the God of Wine

And the God of Wine is crouched down in my room, 
You let me down, 
I said it, Now I'm going down, 
And you're not even around. 
And I said no...
I can't keep it all together, 
I know...I can't keep it all together, 

And there's a memory of a window, 
Looking through 
I see you. 
Searching for something,
I could never give you, 
And there's someone who understands you, 
More than I do. 
A sadness I can't erase. 
All alone on your face.

Oh time has flown
I've overstayed awhile
In my time in exile

Darkling I listen; and, for many a time

I have been half in love with easeful Death,

Call'd him soft names in many a mused rhyme,

To take into than ever seems it rich to die,

To cease upon the midnight with no pain.

John Keats

1795-1821

a posse ad esse non valet consequentia

tomorrow

from Iris Murdoch's The Sea The Sea


am i after all alone now, as i intended to be, and without attachments? is history over?can one change oneself? i doubt it. or if there is any change it must be measured as the millionth part of a millimeter. when the poor ghosts have gone, what remains are ordinary obligations and ordinary interests. one can live quietly and try to do tiny good things and harm mo one. i cannot think of any tiny good thing to do at the moment, but perhaps i shall think of one tomorrow.

inferno

suicide, like lust or jealousy - is an obsession. it is a beast that eats you up inside until you are nothing. emotionally first, then it is only a matter of time before the physical deteriorates.


it is a difficult thing to understand, the too often quoted 'permanent solution to a temporary problem' or selfish cowardlice comes to mind. the obsessor sees no other; it is like wall of pain that divides you from what is around you. The feelings of others are difficult to comprehend or emphatize with. what makes it worse is if you do try, it only adds to the pain suffered. soon you see no other, there is no way out, no hope.
just a hole. and a dark dark black one.


at first you reach out to others, you give not so subtle hints, you say stupid things. a plea for help from a desperate mind. there is no release from your suffering, who can ease your agony? no one. soon it is apparent that people are selfish pricks. they turn thier backs on you one by one. after all it is just a plea for attention that you are deprived of.
isnt it?


then quiet. this is the most agonizing. Yet it is calming, cold and determined. you have given up all hope of recovery, the people in your life, your relationships seem like distant ghosts, a half tuned radio with no white noise. just quiet. silence. it is deafening. you are trapped alone with your self. your self that you loath and love. the voices start. they say leave, leave, leave this pitiful prison. there is no hope here. only pain. even the pain is feelingless. it does not hurt it does not anything.

the inspired book of error

Does anyone remember the time, when goodbye's were only until tomorrow? Did you know too, that the human brain is unable to forget a face? You would know, for instance, I was me even in twenty years and if i gained 120 kilos (thats right metric). It is sad, a testament to the very human trait of emotional evolution, that as we grow older, we often grow out of the wave lengths that once held us together. Not for the better neither for the worse. Not always the case, hurt misunderstanding disinterest new interests, a whole plethora - an emotional tapestry or painting if you will, painstakingly interwoven; its labyrinthine of threads and colours too acute, too intricate too be defined individually or expressed with the joke that we call language.

in my opinion blogs are like a double edged swords - just several minutes spent on them can bring a person to his knees with the reality of life. Yes ashwin you shouldn't be so dramatic. let me indulge once in a while - still there is much you can learn from it. you read about sorrow, happiness, loss, gain, things that make you smile even light simple everyday seemingly meaningless crap. This is the meaning of our existance i feel. we live for these little interactions - these tiny barters of consciousness, however falsely we percieve them. We each are the grammatical equivalent of an unclear interjection in each others lives. A description of each others nouns with more precision than they can individually. I am not being entirely accurate - an interjection almost always is clear and precise. But for the most part we never know the impact we have on the ecology of our little bubbles of society until a link of this chain is broken.

all things are wearisome, more than one can say.
the eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing.
for with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.
to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
(from the book of Ecclesiastes)

do something nice for someone else today, a smile on the train, the opening of a door, the loss of some change. 
Never be worried or loose hope when you are at your lowest; because no suffering is in vain in ways that you know of or dont at the time.

This is the hardest part to word i think;
The simplest logic but hardest lesson to learn is - you must take as little as you can for granted; because with so many things with so many times,
before you know it it will be time to do something else.
haha my attempt to write with complicated words obviously was not very successful. oh well - i will try again sometime.