inferno

suicide, like lust or jealousy - is an obsession. it is a beast that eats you up inside until you are nothing. emotionally first, then it is only a matter of time before the physical deteriorates.


it is a difficult thing to understand, the too often quoted 'permanent solution to a temporary problem' or selfish cowardlice comes to mind. the obsessor sees no other; it is like wall of pain that divides you from what is around you. The feelings of others are difficult to comprehend or emphatize with. what makes it worse is if you do try, it only adds to the pain suffered. soon you see no other, there is no way out, no hope.
just a hole. and a dark dark black one.


at first you reach out to others, you give not so subtle hints, you say stupid things. a plea for help from a desperate mind. there is no release from your suffering, who can ease your agony? no one. soon it is apparent that people are selfish pricks. they turn thier backs on you one by one. after all it is just a plea for attention that you are deprived of.
isnt it?


then quiet. this is the most agonizing. Yet it is calming, cold and determined. you have given up all hope of recovery, the people in your life, your relationships seem like distant ghosts, a half tuned radio with no white noise. just quiet. silence. it is deafening. you are trapped alone with your self. your self that you loath and love. the voices start. they say leave, leave, leave this pitiful prison. there is no hope here. only pain. even the pain is feelingless. it does not hurt it does not anything.